I have been on a journey. A real one, inward, to places I didn’t know existed. At my retreat, I have had two ceremonies. I am going to try to describe what I experienced, knowing that some of it may be beyond words.

The first session launched me.

I left myself — beyond my body, beyond my ego. I saw infinity. I saw what I can only describe as the eyes of the god(dess), the origin of consciousness itself.

There was nothing personal in it. Just beyond. Beyond earth, beyond heaven, beyond the universe— infinity. I found spirituality in a form I can actually understand. Not someone else’s version. Mine.

It was beautiful. Bursting with love and joy, tumbling with love — and it made me smile, feel full, feel content, and want more.

It has been here all along. I just couldn’t see it before.

The second session was the most intense experience of my entire life.

I went deep, and it was dark. I went to infinity again — but this time the other way. Down, down, down. Beyond anything I have a name for.

I went to the origin of rage. The origin of anger.

Not my anger. The anger of all of time. Ancient, ancestral, primal — back further than memory, further than history, further than anything human. I kept going deeper and deeper until I reached something that existed before language, before thought, before fire, before breath.

The source. A wound in the fabric of nothing, beyond time, fracturing outward in all directions with no intention, no mercy, no end. The deepest crimson at its heart is not heat — it’s the cellular memory that existence itself is passion.

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And then I came back.

I remembered nothing of what happened in the room. But my facilitators told me they had been holding me, cradling me. Another person was holding down my legs while I writhed across the mats on the floor. I kicked. I yelled. My body expressed what my consciousness could not contain.

None of that is in my memory. I was not in the room.

And now — I process. Trying to understand what I am to learn from this.

It was amazing. It was intense. It was life changing.

I am still searching for understanding and meaning, realizing that something has shifted that will not shift back.